Story Time! I ‘in-Cyst’ You Come With Me to Formal!

Here we are at another story time! It has been a blast to recollect all of these great, and weird, time in my life and share them to you my audience to enjoy them, and hopefully get your mind off of the week for a moment. With so much going on (presidential debates, dangers, conflicts, and working from 8-5) I at least want to remind you to laugh, or smile, with my own brand of antics and entertainment.


This story might need to come with a warning: IT MAY GET GROSS

So this story involves another dance, (one with food that I deliberately avoided!), a blind date, and a bodily issue!

This concoction of elements comprised what I affectionately refer to as, “My First Prom”.

You  must first understand, I never went to prom when I was attending Homeschool.

There WASN’T a prom is more like it. I was the only kid in my class, so by default that made me teacher’s pet, class clown, most likely to succeed, most likely to fail, cutest couple (with ….), most likely to take his mom to prom, and MVP on the chess team!

That last paragraph was copied from my resume by the way…

But formal of 2011 was my first chance to go to experience what prom would have been like.

I had the essentials for prom too: Formal attire, hair products, just enough money for that flower you wear on your chest, the running man dance move (recently acquired that same year), and most importantly, the perfect slow dance skills!

Here’s what I was missing…

… A girl.

I had no girl, no girlfriend, and no girl who was my friend. This crippling fact even prevented me from going to this formal dance. If it wasn’t for me friends encouraging me I wouldn’t have gone.

Well… my friends and… Keely Nichols.

If you’re reading this and you don’t know who that is, it’s okay. I didn’t either…

It was through these aforementioned friends that my blind date was setup. I was skeptical of course, I mean with my knowledge of blind dates coming from 90’s cartoons and shows, blind dates always end up being weird, scary, hairy, or worse!

SO if that wasn’t enough of a rough start, there was one other problem…

And this problem came out of nowhere…

It came… literally… out of nowhere…

And it came… around my… backside.

The gluteus maximus so to speak.

My ‘cinnamon buns’ had this… bump. And this bump caused me pain and discomfort like I never had before. I couldn’t sit down, or lay on my back to sleep, or perform the running man! And it caused a lot of emotional toil… not just to me but my friends as well.

He was not a nice guest…

The week of formal is when he came around to ‘hang out’ for a bit. He was so rude that I immediately had to kick him out! He had to go! He was causing MUCH discomfort!


I should be frank for a second and say at this time he wasn’t some nightly pimple on the nose; he was a grape on my plush!

I was at him for a couple of days convincing him to leave. I tried talking to him, arguing with him, and… pulling a knife on him.

Don’t judge me.

But he was persistent I’ll give him that.

My friends were getting concerned. But they must not have been THAT concerned because they wouldn’t help me! I even asked them and they ALL backed down on me. This was a battle I was forced to fight solo.

The Day of Formal arrived… and it was time for me to meet Keely Nichols. And our meeting…

…was very pleasant.

SHE was very pleasant! She was, as my friend Matthew likes to say, ‘Not hard to look at!’ She was my height, deep red hair, nice smile, nice frame, and had a sweet voice…

And she was so out of my league!

I lucked out big time! I couldn’t have been more proud of myself!

After meeting her it became apparent that Formal night was going to be better than I thought. Everything was going to work out and this would be a night to remember!

Hours later everyone was preparing their best. It was a fun day throughout; all of the close friends had their dates coming in within the hour, suits were being prepared, dorms were abuzz with cologne and music and shaving!


The bump was going to go, he was not going to ruin my chance to impress Keely Nichols and throw off my running man!!!

For the next hour or two I was furiously attacking my unwelcome friend, and it was a fierce fight. Everything seemed futile except for one last thing…

I stabbed him.

Don’t judge me…

I stabbed him many times, without thinking about it,  and he… bled.

And he wouldn’t stop bleeding…

It was so bad, and Formal was almost time, I had to take drastic steps… So…

So I…

I made a diaper.

You may judge me now.

But what else was there to do? I was a broke freshman in college who had a tremendous ability to think outside of the box.

I regret nothing

But with the home-made cloth diaper I was able to be comfortable and dress up nicely and take Keely Nichols to Formal. And say what you want, but the diaper worked! My running man was impeccable. My nerves calmed back to normal so much so my charm and charisma returned! We danced, fast and slow, we danced with friends, I lost my shoe at one point, and Keely Nichols was none wiser about my… bum bump! I truly think I gave her a good night to enjoy and was a good date.

And the best part is no one knew I committed first-degree murder!

It was really a great night.

And the next day Keely Nichols left and she never talked to me again…

It was exactly what I thought prom would be like!

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