Story Time- Gonna’ Get Left Behind on an Old Dirt Road

Cue the fireworks!

Cue the singers!

And cue the huge line of butlers holding identical cakes!

It’s story time!

I’ve told you guys a few good ones that could only happen to the primo shenanigan. But this time, I’m gonna hit home for everybody today. Everyone has at least been put up to something in their life. If they haven’t, then their life is still young.

And speaking of young, this story takes place when I was just a sprouting boy. The chronic disease hadn’t quite taken hold of me, but it was in the early stages. I believe I mentioned before, I participated in an activities group for young boys and men to teach them about the great outdoors, and proper virtues.

The Royal Rangers, they called us.

Our leader was a big outdoorsman. Fishing, hunting, driving a truck, wearing flannel with the breast pocket, the weird chafe walk, and the almost undecypherable country accent.

He was the real deal.

This man even had the most outdoorsman, country, last name-

-NASH

Nash was a chill man.

…Except for when he was taking care of his little niece.

But other than that!

Nash was a cold, intense, man with a stare that could shoot a turkey out of the sky!

#ItstrueIsawhimdoit

Nash had built a potato gun once. A POTATO GUN! It could shoot PO TAY TOES!!!

Circa my face upon firing the illegal potato gun

At the time my little squishy Spongebob brain couldn’t handle the amount of awesome his invention was. It also couldn’t comprehend that it was illegal…

…and also not entirely his invention. But it was still cool.

I mean the potato went into space practically.

So aside from our adventures of raccon hunting with dogs, staying at a deer lodge and camping overnight in tents, our Ranger leader showed us much about the outdoors, and fostered my love for the forrest, and its majesty. But he also had other plans. Dark, insidious plans, born from a void of total mischief that involved coaxing me into a false sense of security. Of thinking that as long as I’m with him, everything was okay. I would soon learn…

He likes the night.

Nights can be scary. Especially the setting of the night.

If you’re home, in bed, behind a blanket, a locked door, and a cozy room, it’s not bad.

But a silent dirt road with an abandoned house deep in the backroads of Georgia?

Cue. ominous. music.

But that’s the setting. Our wise leader was taking us for a ride Wednesday night. By we I mean the battalio -er- group of boys. There was myself, my younger brother, and three older boys in their late teens. I was in my earliest of teens. As early and as barely as you can imagine. I may have even convinced myself that twelve was a teen year. I had gone through a lot up until then. Drinking vinegar I thought was tea, falling and opening my head on a toilet, breaking my adult teeth, performing little piano recitals for the elderly- I went through alot. I deserved to be a teen!

We were in the back of a pick-up truck, enjoying the night air. Even with a radio, comrades, and wheels, the bumpy old truck felt safe from the dark trees trying to reach for us, and yank us away to the dark elf gnome masters, to be subjugated as little tunic seemstresses.

Thankfully, our master commander drove fast enough to escape captivity. We were under the mighty help of our fearless leader. Every meeting with him, he used to teach. He had a lot of outdoor knowledge to pass on, and tonight was a special lesson.

A lesson in shenanigans. *cue full cirle metaphor*

He was going to show us a rare sight: The House of Usher. No, it wasn’t the book, or play adaption, or the movie (I don’t know if there’s a House Usher movie), and not even the actual house, which makes me upset in my adult years. But it was like the House of Usher because it was a house, in the middle of nowhere, run down, and possibly occupied?

It was the “possibly” we were going to investigate.

We arrived after a lengthy drive. I stared at the distant building and I began to understand what fear was.

I didn’t see a house, I saw a silouhette of a house, blocking the moonlight. I could clearly see through the windows lined so perfectly that the woods on the backside were visible from the front. I looked for the suburban, sidewalk and white fence walkway up to the frontdoor, but quickly found brush and grass too high to see the ground. It was clear the battle for reaching the door would begin with carving a path through snake-infested, disease-bug riddled, plant-eating, ivy smothering forestation!

*Again I was twelve, and didn’t go outside much*

I then received my order. “Go and check out the house.” To my little mind, I heard, “ALRIGHT FLOYD, LEAD THE TROOPS, AND PREPARE TO INVADE!”

So I hopped out, ready to take on death with friends watching my back when-

A horrifying scream came from the house.

I found out very quickly that my reaction to stress was flight. I reached for the truck when-

The red lights taunting me as they became smaller only added confusion to my immediate horror. The laughter I hear tickling my ears. What was happening was a rare moment. Nash had an assistant when showing young men how to become wise, and full of virtue and character. I had finally met this renowned teacher, Professor Experience. The title of his TED talk was, “Tomfoolery; Fear is Funny, Pain is Hilarious”

There was no adventure. There was no great discovery of a haunted house. There was only a joke. And I was the butt.

Seeing such injustice I did what any teen in his right mind would do.

Cue caught with pants on ground metaphor

The prank was short lived so I wasn’t running very long. My climb into the truck was welcoming. I was shaken, but that disappeared when the warm fuzzies of comradery helped me forget those pesky dark elves on my tail.

Turns out that scream was our assistant commander who snuck to the house beforehand. It was great day for learning. I walked away with a great attitude, because I was with great people.

There are lots of times when people go out to have fun at others expense. They single out the weak one, or the shy one, or the one having a bad day, and leave them at a scary house and drive away. Only difference is they don’t come back, or they continue to use them and not make it up. That’s not cool to me. Having fun is great and all, and using people’s expense I think is okay, but it’s a fine line there.

If you’re going to do that, then you need to be a great person. Be willing to be treated like that yourself. Don’t go overboard with playing around, learn when to stop, and nurture the relationship.

I got compliments for being a good sport, I felt included, and got to take part in the next prank. This time, it was all in good fun, true good fun.

True good fun out there exists. This story is a good example of it.

It’s important that stories of tragedy need to be told to expose darkness and raise awareness of people’s behaviors needing some adjusting. And it’s also important to stories of hope and good times also be shared. Because they’re out there. Don’t give up finding them.

Working Title Short Story 2

There was a knock at the front door.

Raiden leisurely passed through his living room and into the hallway where the noise came from. Opening the door he found a young man with a clean hair cut, and a uniform.

“Good morning, Mr. Raiden.” said the officer with a smile. He couldn’t have been thirty, but definitely wasn’t around eighteen. There was a strong jaw, a wrinkle around each eye, and a badge representing five years committed to law enforcement. There was another badge with a name, Anders.

“Ah, good morning, Charlie, come to take me grocery shopping?” Raiden expected, as the day was Wednesday.

“As per the usual, sir. You ready to go?”

“Couldn’t be happier to leave. The TV was showing reruns today.”

“They always show reruns Mr. Raiden.”

The young man knelt down and tapped a stick to Raiden’s ankle. What he touched was a black band wrapped securely, with a red lit turning green.

“Alright, that gives us two hours. We better get a move on.”

“What’s the rush? It’s not senior’s day, and it’s one a clock in the afternoon! The store will mostly be dead. And besides, I’m in no hurry to get back.”

“Yeah I know. This whole thing sucks. But I could get in some serious trouble if I don’t get you back in time.”

Raiden grumbled but followed behind the officer to his vehicle. They reached the sidewalk that stretched through a large urban area. Apartments of moderate upkeep crammed each side of the street. The busy traffic was light on this end, nothing but commercial trucks, residents, and the milk man drove through here. And with it being so close to the highway it was amazing it wasn’t busier.

The only problem was the crime rate of the area.

As they reached the car, some shouting erupted from the building beside them. A couple of Vicsius came slamming the door open and jumping into the open road. Another one came out, but was scared, and frantic. It was a male Vicsius of natural human size. He spotted the cop and urgently requested to stop the two that just left.

Charlie readied his hands then looked toward the street. The couple of hooligans causing a ruckus were staring back at him, not seeming afraid. Charlie moved closer onto the street, and as he was in total view, they raised their hands.

“Hold it right there, rat!” They shouted. In their hands were pistols, simple and functional, and pointed directly at Officer Anders.

“One more step and you’re full of lead. So beat it!” they screamed.

But the officer did not move. Instead, he poised is hands in front of him, bent his knees, and straightened his back. Raiden raised his eyebrows.

“Those are illegal weapons you have in your possession. That is grounds for arrest, whether you fire them or not. Drop them, and put your hands where I can see them!”

“Or else, what? Use your human psychic powers to stop us? Those are illegal too you know!”

“The law respects the use of my power in only cases where firearms are a threat. So if you two are done talk, please do what I say and don’t make this ugly. I hate ugly.”

“We hate ugly too, your ugly face! Die!” A shot was fired, and Charlie slid back, and fell to the ground. The two Viscius were surprised by his fall. They didn’t expect it to happen. But they were pleased that he wasn’t trying to stop them anymore. Raiden stared at Charlie quizzically.

They turned around and walked away, placing the guns in their pockets. The other male Viscius from the apartment gaped in awe.

“…You guys should always make sure your target is dead.” They heard from behind them. Upon looking they noticed the officer getting back up on his feet. Astonished they attempted to reach for their pistols again.

“The impact wasn’t what I expected, but I’m still getting the hang of my powers.” Charlie said, holding a bullet between his fingers.

The two gun wielders were now quivering. But their fear soon turned to frustration.

“We’re not gonna let you take us in! Viscius run this town, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Even if you take us to jail, we’ll get out real quick.”

“I’m glad to hear that. That means I get to arrest you again!” Charlie tossed the bullet away, then motioned for them to attack.

“Are you serious? Arrest us again? What does that mean?”

“Well, if I arrest you again, then my count goes up. Making so many arrests grants me good fortune for promotion.”

“Is that right? Well let’s see if a head full of bullets is worth a promotion!” At that instant, they fired of every round in their clips. Every bullet that was sent to Officer Anders went directly into his hand.

The Viscius dropped their guns, they were astonished that two full clips were emptied and not a single one hit their enemy. Charlie on the other hand held a handful of them, and let each one band on the asphalt. They were taking steps back, and their hands trembled.

“Running wouldn’t be a good idea, fellas. I’m pretty fast for a human. And last I checked Viscius weren’t made for running.” Charlie said, breathing steadily.

“You think you’re so smug. And that you have us beaten. But you didn’t see this coming!” One of them withdrew a large, elongated gun from under his long coat. He quickly looked down the scope, and took the shot. Charlie stared wide eyed, forgetting to put his hands up. He hoped falling back would be fast enough, but the bullet had traveled too far.

As the officer fell down, he stared in bewilderment of an older man’s hand extended out, holding a sniper bullet.

“A sniper rifle is a dangerous tool. If a wise man carries it, he’s invisible. But if a fool carries it, the rifle is wasted. You boys have no idea of the weight of that weapon you’re holding.”

“Who’s the old guy?” said one Viscius to the other.

“I’m not sure, or what he’s talking about.”

“We don’t need to know it’s weight, only that it can kill our enemies!”

Raiden smirked, “Don’t you think there has been enough killing between our people?”

“Not as long as we’re oppressed! We’ll take over these streets, this city, this county, and then the world!”

“And then what?”

The two were silent.

Raiden continued, “Then what? There’s other forms of life besides humans. What happens when you come up against something your bullets can’t touch? They’ll only beat you and oppress you once again.”

“That will never happen!”

“Oh, but it will. Scientists now are making synthetic life forms with metal bodies. Bullets won’t affect them. So then what?”

“We, uh…”

“If you want to stop oppression you should stop trying to become like your enemies. Hatred is a nasty business. It only makes more hate.”

Raidens words echoed for a second.

“What are your names?” he asked.

“I’m Tocka.” said the one on the left, with a yellow body.
“I’m Richter.” said the one on the right, he had a red body.

“You two seem quite brave. You are also very capable of doing great things.”

“What? how would you know, old man?” Richter replied.

“Well, you almost killed this innocent officer, and can handle your weapons quite skillfully and make quick decisions. Those are valuable talents.”

“Is there point you’re getting to? You’re wasting our time, and we’ll shoot you if we find out you’re stalling for time!” Tocka shouted.

“Just shoot him now, before the boss gets angry we’re gone any longer.” said his red cohort.

Tocka raised the gun, but before he could take aim, the grip fell away. He reached for the barrel, the scope, the stock, or anything that wasn’t falling to the ground. The angry Viscius looked up from the mess of parts on the street to the old man holding a pulsing hand toward him.

“What did you do!?” Tocka raised his voice, “That cost us a fortune!”

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t want any more bullets being fired around. There are so many people who could get hurt.”

Tocka and Richter looked around and noticed something peculiar. The entire neighborhood had come out to notice them, nearly all of them Viscius. The two hadn’t noticed their presence.

“You destroyed the gun because of these people?”

“That’s right.” Raiden replied.

“You almost hurt your own kind,” Charlie chimed in, “That’s what your idea of erasing oppression gets you. It could have gone much worse.”

“Tocka, is that you?” a Viscius stepped out of the crowds, looking worried. It was a female, with yellow skin, and human clothing.

“Hey dude, it’s your-”

“Shut up Rich…”

She approached Tocka, and examined his shoulder.

“You are apart of that gang! Why, Tocka?” she said with a frown.

“It’s none of your business!” he growled.

She slapped his face, the shock was more than the hit itself. He was about to shout when the sight of tears stopped everything.
“Your family is worried about you! Come home now, honey, your kids want their daddy home.”

Tocka was silent. He and his partner were now under a realization that their actions had an impact. Everyone who stared at them knew who they were. They knew the neighborhood as well; this was their home.

“Why would you guys steal from your uncle?”

“We had no choice…” Richter said, hanging his head low.

“The boss wants each weapon he can find, he’s going to start an uprising midtown.” Tocka replied.

“We weren’t going to start any trouble until the officer jumped in.”

“That doesn’t matter!” Tocka’s wife said, “Stealing from your family, and being a part of that evil man’s gang is wrong, what made you think it was such a good idea?”

“Because our jobs suck!” Richter shouted, “Because humans in charge are still making things a living nightmare for us, while they still live in luxury!”

“You two are idiots!” his uncle replied, stepping out of the crowd, “You have no idea what you’re saying. That gang lord has filled your heads with nonsense so you don’t know the truth. The truth is EVERYONE is on hard times around here. Right now, the only thing making it harder is the crime going on; stealing, vandalizing, and the murdering, even our own kind! The old human man is right, this hatred is going nowhere and it has to stop!”

“It’s not that easy! If Susooma hears that we want to leave, he’ll kill us! He may already know now!” Richter said in a loud and soft voice.

“You just leave him to me.” Charlie said in a nonchalant manner, “If you guys really want something done, then come with me. You won’t be in trouble, if your uncle refuses to press charges. And with your word and knowledge, we’ll take down Susooma the right way.”

The two shifted their feet, feeling hesitant to answer. Everyone around them was encouraging them to take his offer, but they knew the cost of betrayal. They were unsure of the price.

Raiden walked up to them, kneeling down at the pieces of the once rifle. He took the pieces in his hand and began connecting them.

“Remember this, you two. A trigger is just a piece of metal by itself. But when it’s been placed where it’s supposed to go, it become the most important. You may not see it now; that’s because you’re just a piece of metal. And you have two places where you decide to be the trigger. Do you want to cause devastation, or do you want to change history? If you want an old man’s opinion…”

Raiden held a fully completed rifle in his hands, and passed it along to Tocka.

“The latter makes you more popular with the ladies.” he winked, and then stepped away towards Charlie.

Keegan the Cat

So it’s about time for another story. 

This one comes from recent years. As part of any delivery service, you get to visit customers on their home turf. They have their house exactly as they want it, they’re comfortable, they have all their toys and animals, and on top of that, you the delivery man is coming in to play Operation with their stuff.

This particular customer I will call Keegan. Names are fake to protect the innocent. Keegan reminded me of a cat. Why?

Let’s go to the evidence!

1.) Cats are shy and most of them are skidding of people. And Keegan was just that-

Upon arrival of said cat home, she wouldn’t let us in. She persisted we not come through her front door and walk around her house to the back…

Her house wasn’t a mansion so, what the heck.

2.) Cats are picky about their stuff. Keegan wanted her toy (dryer) to be hand carried from the truck, aroooooound her house, and into her back room. Nay was it to touch the ground- oh no! May God give us lightning and death upon us should we use a dolly! 

I’m pretty sure she didn’t want us to look at it! It’s like I could hear her growling at us. 

Which brings me to my last point:

3.) Cats hiss.

Yes.

Yes she hissed at us.

Not just once either.

She hissed at us almost every sentence…

I’m not joking either, and I’m not mistaking it for a stuffy nose, or an involuntary sneeze. She HISSED at us, after making her outrageous demands and crackpot statements. And we’re indeed the CRACK-ist of the POT-ist! She kept calling us liars, and we were doing our job wrong, and to give her stuff because she didn’t have it.

After a grueling half an hour we dropped her dryer in her washroom and left, wiping off two layers of cat hair off our clothes.

Later at the end of the day we relayed this story to our current-workers, our boss included. It was from the mouth of our boss that some pieces of the puzzle were added to our femme feline.

Keegan was certified crazy.

Keegan the cat, would hand in documents written in crayon…

Keegan the cat, unplugged every appliance in the house at night…

Keegan climbed on the sofa and scratched the curtain- okay I made that up, but the rest is true, this came from… her husband! Keegan the cat was married. And he had to come along and cancel a lot of orders Keegan would make. Her dryer delivery just slipped away from him.

-Meow

They Grow Up So Fast!

Babies!

Aren’t they adorable?

What’s not to like about them??

They laugh, cry, poop, cry, smile, cry, sleep, drink from bottles, wear tiny clothes, cry, poop, poop, cry.

And I think that’s all they do. Aren’t they just bundles of joy!?

So small and innocent! Everything they do for the first is so thrilling!

Like walking, it is so COOL when a baby learns to walk for the first time. I remember this one time when I watched a toddler for his very first time walking all on his own!

…Into my house…

…All by himself…

Literally without any parent, friend, or anyone! There was no one out in the middle of the day watching this toddler walking around our tiny community apartments.

At first I thought I might have been hallucinating. This was around the time when I was… experimenting with substances at the late hours…

Yes I admit to abusing Fudge Rounds and Dr. Pepper while playing Kingdom Hearts… I’m attending meetings regularly I realize this is a problem.

BUT THEY’RE SO GOOOOOD!!

Anyway I had thought that maybe my adventures inside the Disney kingdom were still continuing.

Except I couldn’t find Donald or Goofy anywhere…

So I let the little guy in and thought, “Hey maybe somebody will come for him in a minute. After all he’s precious cargo!”

And he was a pretty cool guy. We chilled, watched Spongebob, talked about our day, talked about school, and got to know each other pretty good. I even gave him some advice for the future on making a savings plan.

Nice boy.

Well about an hour later mom (his mom) shows up in a tizzy! (That’s a uh… fluster of multiple emotions at once for you guys following along)

She was relieved to find her child safe, she was all like, “Oh my baby, there you are! You had mommy worried to death!” (pretty cliche stuff if you ask me) and she was cradling him and hugging him and all that. After calming down a little bit she apologized for her son barging in. I didn’t think it was a big deal, after all it was clearly an accident.

…Or so I thought…

AS it turns out, MOM (his mom) decided that she needed a nap. Sure that’s fine , I take naps, I like naps, I take a nap when I can (I took one in the middle of writing this post!). That wasn’t the problem, the problem was forgetting to check the DOORS before taking her siesta fiesta!

But I guess I can’t blame her. If my child suddenly grew tall enough to open doors while I napped, I’d be shocked and afraid too! (But not because my child went missing, but because of his magical growth spurt!)

All is well in the end I suppose. Except I may have started him on a road filled with addiction and pain…

…That’s right… I gave him a fudge round…

FudgeRounds_90.PNG

#sorrynotsorry